Abuse seems less painful when you can blame it on their story
Rather than the man.
Your arms are used to holding up these pieces.
You're used to being there when times are rough.
When he hurts you.
So, it's ok.
You know how to deal.
You know that his anger is really just fear
Caused by someone other than yourself.
Because it's not really your fault at all.
But it is always your fault
You trigger him,
You want him to feel strong
So, it's ok.
Just keep reminding him that he's not his pain.
You can take the abuse.
You can be strong for both of you.
He's just weak sometimes
Even though you would never say that to his face.
You don't want to upset him.
He gets upset easily.
And you're just really sensitive.
You understand him.
He's just upset because you trigger him.
Because he hasn't learned to settle his story.
His last girlfriend fucked him up.
And you want him to know that he's not his pain
You just trigger him
You love him.
And he knows that
Even if it doesn't always show.
He just needs a little more time to understand that.
He just needs a little more time to calm down.
He just needs something to eat.
He just had a bad day.
He just has a hard time dealing with disappointment.
He just has a hard time moving on.
He just needs space.
You just don't understand him like I do
What is a body if not durable.
You are stronger than you think.
You have been beaten
Sent three times to the hospital this year.
You've endure more pain than any grade school bully
After he goes home to show his drunk dad his report card.
Take it all.
And sometimes he rapes you
But it was because he needed you.
You said no too many times.
He was scared that you didn't love him anymore.
He is just misunderstood.
People just don't get it.
No one knows him like you do
So they don't see the big picture.
What are your tears,
When others suffer too.
Too much pain
There are no tears left.
He only cries in front of you.
You haven't cried for years.
Or maybe you cry everyday now.
But you don't like to cry in front of him
It upsets him
You wish he could see how much he hurts you
But you don't want to be blamed for his guilt
He drinks a lot.
He has a temper
Just like his father
Just like your father.
Just like you do under lock and key
Sometimes alcohol is a good chaser to the bad taste of pain
It's the only time you feel comfortable being yourself around him.
You don't like to talk about it anymore.
In fact we don't talk about anything.
I haven't seen you in a few months
You never call.
I wish you would just leave him.
I wish it was that easy.
I wish you knew how much I love you.
I wish you knew how much it hurts to see you suffer.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish there was something I could do.
RIP Domestic and Violently Abused
I imagined for a few seconds, while I was waiting for my train, a conversation between me and a philosopher from the old ways of Greece or Rome. I imagined myself asking “what does it mean to be rich?” He responded eloquently in his white gown, “richness is not a matter of wealth rather a matter of pleasure.” I asked “well, can not pleasure be determined with what one can afford?” He responded smiling “yes… and no. Pleasure comes in all forms. A wealthy man can be without pleasure, and a poor woman can have as much pleasure as she pleases.” I imagined him pausing as he picked up a gold metal chalice to take a few big gulps of red wine. “Explore what is around you.” he said as he cleared his throat and puckered his lips. “You will find you do not need to buy a plane to fly or live in a palace to be happy. The world will present herself to you in time so long as you are both ready. Wealth is not richness, richness is best left as a way to describe food. Feed yourself. Trust that the gods will provide. That is if you know how to ask.”
Quite possibly the most beautiful vision I've ever had, came to me recently while I was still awake. Nature's brush strokes across every house and home. I saw the future in the most awe-inspiring way. There were no rulers, no bigots, no enemies. The only laws we had to measure were the laws of nature and the science of. It was our master. We were its consensual slave. We obeyed by its beautiful law. Everything was harmony. Everything was balance. And on a wall was a flag without color only words saying.
I am earth,
The ground you walk on
I am the river that keeps you clean.
I am the soil in which your bones will turn to dust
Within me, lay the corpses of your ancestors
I am your past, your present, but most of all your future
I am the trees that shade you from blistered skins
I am the plant that soothes your burns
I am mother
I feed all
I am all
I am the blood that runs through your veins
The heart muscle the air in your lungs
The wires in your brain
We are the same.
Treat me as you treat yourself
Kill me and you kill yourself.
I am destined to have you
Hold you in my body
I am mother
I feed all
I am all
I want to ask you to kiss me.
Ask you to wet the surface of my lips
Come closer to my body
Guide my hand though strands of hair
Unkept jungles, peaks and arches
I want to map out the constellation of your mind
So that when I sail throught your sorrows
I will always know how to find you
If I could build us a home
I would Trace blueprints form your bones.
Sketches of your soul.
Become practiced and skilled with you
Know every versant hill
every arch, vally and peak
I barely sleep with you in mind
Blood boiling beneath my chest
Like multen lava slithering it's way down the front of my body
Keeping my extremities warm and conflicted
Like a Crucible in my heart
Flames strong enought to suite me into battle
protect myself from the pain of not being with you
Convinced rest will only come when I see you again
How dizzy-drunk with desire I have become
Poisoned and burned by lust and unwelcome adoration
Breathless in its devotion for you
Seeking to be there as you walk by
An umbra to gaze into
Unmistakably perfumed as you
A shadow to your shadow
Palm to my palm
Finger painting peaks and arches,
Twisted angles and curves
Rising to feel the grip of my body reach around yours
As if you were always falling away.
I would never let you go.
Kissing the soft arch of my back
Purlicues full with the weighted nature of both of my breasts
If I could just ask you to kiss me.
The easiest way to tell who you are
Is by looking at the friends you keep.
The company you seek.
Because you are just one piece
Of that whole god damn beast.
When your friends cry
You cry with them.
And when your friends run
You give them your number
And say call me
And I'll find you
And when your friends are stuck
You say fall on me
I'll unbind you
All my friends are fighters.
The strongest warriors I have ever known
Breaking bones with dreams alone
Wise teachers with scars when they strip
They show me not to absolve the wounds I might inflict.
Carrying needle and thread at each of their hips
Because their heart beat is too big for just one stitch
I am so proud to be amongst this spirit
To share this heart with you all
I'm so glad we fight together
Making it real to stand at all.
No! I'm the mother fucking Lorax
I speak for the bees,
These honey quaffing fleas don't got nothing on me!
I don't want your ragged old thneeds,
I speak for the trees.
I speak to the animals,
And the weeds.
And we messed up.
So tear down those factories
The awful smog pumping, billion dollar striptease.
It's times like these
Where nothing seems as it should be,
Where we create to decimate
What took so long to free.
These lungs still breathe
This heart still beats,
See what has happened to the roots of our seed?
I'm the Lorax
And I speak for the breeze,
The purple clouded, belly bearing breeze.
To speak more specifically.
Every time we cut past what we perceive as reality.
The closer we press tightly
Towards the open flame of insanity.
So between you and me...
Hold tight to your novelty
You'll see things will work out eventually.